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Paladin -- a fantasy game in progress

edited February 2014 in Workshop
Edit:

Thank you all for the feedback! I've taking the preview offline, as I'm overhauling the beginning quite a bit.

Comments

  • When I get back home, I'll try to remember to give it a go. :)
  • First of all, I found the forced line break quite distracting, though I recognize why you would want a narrower passage than the default allows. Instead of forced line breaks, you can add something like this to your stylesheet:

    .passage {width: 60%}

    While you're at it, I'd also recommend increasing the font size:

    .passage {font-size: 200%}

    You can play around with those percentages. Just those two simple changes would make Paladin much more legible.

    All that said, the writing was very good. I enjoyed my first play-through and even went back for a second. Though the story is linear (and I'd highly suggest changing that), it did feel as if the choices presented mattered. That's great! Had it been a straight-line story, I would have stopped reading. I'm only interested in interactive fiction, not short stories.

    Personally, I didn't like being forced to go to market, but if it ends up being absolutely necessary, then so be it. Otherwise, if someone wants to play a stone-hearted justice robot with unshakable faith, Id suggest allowing that type be played.

    What you've done so far is really good! I look forward to your next revision. I'd really, really like to see branching outcomes, though. Don't just make the choices seem to mattermake them really matter. Let players be unwavering devotees as well. Unless the player breaks the rules, they aren't going to see much of this game.
  • Thanks for taking the time to play it through, and thanks for the feedback!

    The linebreak thing was a deliberate choice, though quite possibly a bad one. I should probably give it some serious thought before I proceed, though, because the more I write, the more painful it's going to be to convert it back to something more normal. :P

    It didn't even occur to me to give the player the option not to go to the market... probably because I like poking around in fantasy-world markets myself! Thanks for pointing that out, I'll definitely add in some 'stay at home' options.

    'Unwavering devotee' should certainly be a valid playstyle... I'll have to think if there's anything more I can add on that side of things, but it may just wind up that 'unwavering' types breeze through this beginning, and only end up with more interesting choices later.

    I'm currently feeling pretty wary about the idea of adding actual branches at this early juncture. I feel like I need to at least railroad the player to the Temple at Allbright, where most of the game will take place. The way I see it, your  main 'choices' at this juncture are whether you're reluctant or eager to go there, and whether or not you have faith. But whether or not you're heading off to become a paladin, well... it is the name of the game. ;)
  • [quote author=Morgan_R link=topic=1393.msg2092#msg2092 date=1391060249]The linebreak thing was a deliberate choice, though quite possibly a bad one.

    It's pretty jarring.

    [quote]It didn't even occur to me to give the player the option not to go to the market... probably because I like poking around in fantasy-world markets myself! Thanks for pointing that out, I'll definitely add in some 'stay at home' options.

    A unswerving devotee would never indulge in such a waste of time! ;)

    Just don't make the coin toss an automatic win, or allow the player to refuse it. No one likes But Thou Must! ;)

    [quote]'Unwavering devotee' should certainly be a valid playstyle... I'll have to think if there's anything more I can add on that side of things, but it may just wind up that 'unwavering' types breeze through this beginning, and only end up with more interesting choices later.

    If no "wrong" choices are made, there should be no sliver of guilt or doubt when the head lady calls the player to the office.

    [quote]I'm currently feeling pretty wary about the idea of adding actual branches at this early juncture. I feel like I need to at least railroad the player to the Temple at Allbright, where most of the game will take place.

    Just have the branches end the story. For example, "Join the circus" or "Run off with the merchants." Have faith in your audience and yourself. If it's a good game, they'll play again. It should be obvious they're making a choice that will end the game early.

    One of my games (250+ passages) has an ending after four or five passages. The player can simply chose to intentionally ignore the entire storyline and go to bed if they desire.
  • One bug:
    Instead, you turn to <span class="info>Belle</span>, the next oldest.
    Other than that, well done.
  • [quote]One of my games (250+ passages) has an ending after four or five passages. The player can simply chose to intentionally ignore the entire storyline and go to bed if they desire.


    Link? I've been playing through interesting-looking Twines at random (literally, off of the main Twine page) but I don't think I've come across anything to match that description.

    And while I get what you're saying, I'm still ambivalent. I think that as a player, I'd rather have the game steer me back on track rather than give me a bunch of early ends. This might be an overreaction to the classic CYOA 'branch and branch and branch but prune all but one of the branches' style, though.

    Thanks for the catch, nomdepony!
  • [quote author=Morgan_R link=topic=1393.msg2099#msg2099 date=1391094329]Link? I've been playing through interesting-looking Twines at random (literally, off of the main Twine page) but I don't think I've come across anything to match that description.
    It's a GURPS Fourth Edition gamebook I wrote years ago that I'm in the process of converting to Twine "just because." I'm not sure of the copyright status, so it may never be made public.
  • Sharpe wrote:
    It's a GURPS Fourth Edition gamebook I wrote years ago that I'm in the process of converting to Twine "just because." I'm not sure of the copyright status, so it may never be made public.


    Sorry to hear it.  :-\

    I'm thinking I might back-burner Paladin for a while to get some distance. It's just not as strong as it could be, and I'm not sure how to fix it yet.
  • Awww. Paladin had the beginnings of what seemed like it would become one of my favorite Twine games. Sorry to hear it. :(

    Hope you pick it back up soon!

    Or, would you be inclined toward a collaboration? I've never done so, nor have I ever had the desire, but as good as Paladin is, I would be willing. Just a passing thought.
  • Aw, thank you! I'm definitely hoping to come back to it at some point.

    A collaboration could be fun -- I'd like to do something for the Spring Thing, but at the moment I don't have a particular idea in mind. Unfortunately Twine itself doesn't seem particularly amenable to collaboration -- I just tried to copy-paste across documents, and no go. :/
  • Twine clears the clipboard when closed, so you need both story files open to copy and paste. Select the passage by left clicking on it once, then use the Ctrl+C keyboard shortcut to copy it. Then use Edit -> Paste to paste the passage in the other story file. Voil!
  • Oh hey, it works! Thanks. :)

    I've come up with a couple ideas, but my leading candidate at this point is Winter's Daughter, a fantasy-flavored romance / court intrigue, with a mix of stat-raising and conversation-based gameplay. If that sparks your interest at all, let me know! I'd also be curious to hear any ideas you might have. :)
  • Well, romance is really off-genre for me, but I'm always open to broaden my literary horizon.

    You have so much in Paladin, though, that I'd rather just expand upon it with those same concepts of stat-raising and conversation-based roleplay. Romance and court intrigue could easily be included in it as well. You've already set the scene for all of that.

    I'm always leaving projects without finishing them, though, so yeah, I know how it goes. XD I have three or four open Twine projects right now.
  • Actually, this is nice.  And also, it's nice to see a female protagonist (my own project has a female protagonist).  I'd certainly be interested on seeing this progress, but as someone who also struggles to focus/finish projects it's entirely understandable ;)

    What I particularly like is how you slowly filter details to the player without bombarding them with information...so discovering that you're the child of a criminal, and that is part of the lore is great, it's fairly subtle in how you explain it I think. 

    Regardless, I'll be interested in anything else you work on.
  • TWS files are not very suitable for collaboration, but Twee sources are: changes to them can be merged automatically by a version control system such as Git or Mercurial.
  • mth: I don't think I'm willing to give up the node-based interface, but thank you for pointing that out!

    Thanks, bawpie! I'm actually thinking I might be in a position to come back to it -- I got some really helpful feedback from a RL friend this morning.

    Sharpe: Though I really appreciate the offer, I'm thinking I should probably muddle through my first game on my own, before trying to work in tandem with somebody. If you want any feedback on any of your own projects-in-progress, though, I'd be happy to take a look -- I've done a fair bit of beta-reading for non-interactive writing, so I do have some relevant experience.
  • That's cool. I just offered because sometimes a partner helps revive and keep one's interest in a project.

    Good luck!
  • Thanks!

    Unfortunately I just had to cut about 3,000 words, but I think the new angle that my friend suggested is really going to strengthen the game overall.
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