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The Escape

playNOhateplayNOhate
edited February 2015 in Workshop
This is my first story. It is pretty short. Tell me how I did.

Comments

  • jazzisthybossjazzisthyboss
    way to much writing you should do less or the reader or player will get bored other than that it's good
  • nicolemnicolem
    playNOhate, I definitely think you have an good amount of writing and this is definitely not too wordy at all. Nice work.

    Since you asked, I have two technical suggestions and one stylistic suggestion.

    1. You might consider using "soft hyphens" between every word in Selia's dialogue, which won't show up unless the word is at the end of the line. This will prevent her stream-of-consciousness rambling from ever spilling out of the window. You can see how to use them here: https://developer.mozilla.org/en/docs/Web/CSS/hyphens#Example

    2. On one passage, you write "To go back: [[005]]", but a better way might just be to write "[[Go back.|005]]". For links to another passage, you don't need to tell the reader/player how to use the game/story, you just need to provide them the option to do so, right? It's sort of like how some websites say things like "to read more, click __here__", instead of just "__Read more__". It's always more effective to just provide the option, especially when there's just one.

    3. Finally, a stylistic suggestion: I liked that you gave each of the characters a unique voice, but I'm not sure you've totally hit the mark with Pujong's accent. I want to say that this is something that's really, really hard to do, so don't get discouraged! It's definitely okay to think, "actually, I think I'm fine" in response to this. :)

    Here's an article that might help explain what I'm talking about: http://www.helpingwritersbecomeauthors.com/most-common-mistakes-dos-and-donts-of/ This article is a bit "THIS IS THE ONLY WAY TO WRITE", but it sums up some very good--and very old--arguments for just saying "Pujong had a thick accent, but I could still understand him", and then writing his dialogue in straight English. You can even communicate more about his character or the narrator that way:
    • "Pujong had a thick accent, but his English was otherwise perfect." Maybe this just told us something about where Pujong lives--and how long he's lived there.
    • "Pujong had a thick accent, but I thought his English was SUSPICIOUSLY precise." Is Pujong hiding something!? Do Silas and Selia know? Maybe the narrator is just imagining things.
    • "Pujong had a mild Korean accent--or was it Cantonese?" Maybe the narrator really knows their accents! Where'd they learn that?
    • ...or maybe they're from a small town in Australia and haven't ever met anyone who spoke in a different accent: "I was embarrassed that I couldn't place his accent."
    • ...or maybe the narrator is a little bit of a racist! "His English was okay...a lot better than I would've figured."
    Obviously, you would want to be careful with that last one, but if there was actually a good reason in a story for the narrator to be a jerk or a racist, a line like that would still tell the reader a lot. Mind you, a lot of writers lately seem to just throw that sort of characterization or character conflict into a story without thinking through WHY they're doing it. A good rule of thumb is, "What's the actual story about, and does including this actually add to that?" For example, it would certainly feel jarring and out of place in your story, given how you've already written the narrator and the other characters. I mean, your story is titled "The Escape", not "The Narrator Begrudgingly Gets Over His Prejudices", right? :)

    Anyway, I thought you did a good job, and I'd definitely read a sequel.
  • suimengluowangsuimengluowang
    u say right
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