Really charming little story... but where's the option for him to keep the Minor Canon in his cavern forever and go on happy adventures for the rest of their lives?? When I finished, I went and googled the original story to see if the ending was the same, and found myself even more saddened. xD
My only comment might be to end your Twine more concretely. The original says (perhaps too bluntly) that the griffin laid down and died. I think a bit more closure on yours might be nice as well, as I was surprised when suddenly I didn't have any more passages/options. At first I wasn't sure I properly reached the end. Maybe something like 'You lay down for the last time' or... hmmm, I'm not sure what else. But, those were my thoughts! Otherwise quite well done.
Did the image of the stone griffin not work? That's meant to be the final passage, with the appearance of artwork indicating you've reached a terminating point. You lie down to sleep looking at the statue... and you don't awaken again. You've refused to eat anything, and you need food to survive, so the outcome is implied. Since the game is from the griffin's perspective, I thought it needed a more gentle ending than the original story, where the omniscient narrator just announces what happens.
But the original is one of my favorite short stories, so it's good to be able to introduce more people to it!
Just letting you know, @CMG, that I hadn't picked up that I died. Perhaps I rushed through the ending too quickly. I thought it was more like I was taking a nap after looking at my nice statue! so perhaps @litrouke has a point, if you wanted to make the ending clearer. Just a thought. I enjoyed the story very much. Thank you for sharing it!
Yeah, the image did show up, but I wasn't immediately sure what to make of it. Your logic makes as equally good sense as @feliwebwork 's logic, I think -- after all, I'm sure the reader would much prefer the griffin was taking a lovely nap than falling into death! I think we were both in denial about dying. ;D
But I do agree it needs a softer ending than 'NOW YOU ARE DEAD. CONGRATS.'
Hmm. The phrase "one last time" is already used right before the end: "You will return and look upon your image one last time." I wouldn't want to repeat the sentiment again just a few passages later. I'll have to think about whether I should emphasize it more. I appreciate the feedback!
What I ended up doing was moving the "one last time" to the second-to-last screen, and changing the first passage to talk about "with the time you have left." Hopefully that's not too repetitive but shows a little more clearly that the griffin is on the way out.
This was a really nice adaptation! For what it's worth, the current version of the ending was very clear to me. I haven't read the original.
There were some moments that felt repetitive, because I thought there might be new options behind some of the recurring "place" links, but that's rough to get around.
And on mobile, I had an issue during the griffin's speech to the townspeople. The passage was long enough that it was cut off and I couldn't move forward. (Obviously, I persevered and went through the story on desktop just now!)
Oh no, that doesn't sound good! I don't own a smartphone so I have no idea how these games look on a mobile screen. I guess there's no way to scroll down? I'll try to go back and break up that passage plus another one that's kinda long. Thanks for telling me!
Comments
The link to your website in the credits doesn't work, by the way.
My only comment might be to end your Twine more concretely. The original says (perhaps too bluntly) that the griffin laid down and died. I think a bit more closure on yours might be nice as well, as I was surprised when suddenly I didn't have any more passages/options. At first I wasn't sure I properly reached the end. Maybe something like 'You lay down for the last time' or... hmmm, I'm not sure what else. But, those were my thoughts! Otherwise quite well done.
But the original is one of my favorite short stories, so it's good to be able to introduce more people to it!
Yeah, the image did show up, but I wasn't immediately sure what to make of it. Your logic makes as equally good sense as @feliwebwork 's logic, I think -- after all, I'm sure the reader would much prefer the griffin was taking a lovely nap than falling into death! I think we were both in denial about dying. ;D
But I do agree it needs a softer ending than 'NOW YOU ARE DEAD. CONGRATS.'
There were some moments that felt repetitive, because I thought there might be new options behind some of the recurring "place" links, but that's rough to get around.
And on mobile, I had an issue during the griffin's speech to the townspeople. The passage was long enough that it was cut off and I couldn't move forward. (Obviously, I persevered and went through the story on desktop just now!)