Feedback on alternate-history-magical-realist short story

JordanMagnuson

Would love to get some feedback on the first beta version of Ms. Lojka: a kind of weird alternate-history-magical-realist short story that I'm working on. There's no save functionality, but it should be playable in just about 10 minutes.

Here's the link: http://jordanmagnuson.s3.amazonaws.com/mslojka/ms_lojka_beta01.html

Any and all feedback is welcome, from technical and readability issues, to feature improvements, to the actual writing.

Thanks in advance to anyone who takes the time!

Denny

First off, very impressive. The way you wove the art and story together worked very well, I thought, and it had a good flow to it. When I first saw the "typing out the words" effect, it seemed slow to me, and I thought I might not stick it out. After a little while though, I fell into the rhythm of the typing and didn't mind it so much.

The writing and the story was creepy--to me. I'm not a big psychological horror fan, and I don't know if I would even put this in that category, but it had that kind of psychological horror feeling to it--for me. Until near the end of course, which I won't spoil.

I liked the art a lot, and the writing, too, even if it often seemed pretty cryptic. I wondered at times about the links I wasn't clicking on--what I was missing, which I guess would encourage another playthrough. And there were no problems or issues that I noticed. So yeah, I dug it.

yun

Very interesting appearance (how did you do this slowly-typing, BTW?), but the story seemed completely crazy to me, as if the narrator is insane. I couldn't reach the end, however. The last place I reached is a black screen with "Just clutched my camera and kept on walking.", and there are no links to go.

JordanMagnuson

Thanks much for the feedback @Denny and @yun!

When I first saw the "typing out the words" effect, it seemed slow to me, and I thought I might not stick it out. After a little while though, I fell into the rhythm of the typing and didn't mind it so much.

I was concerned about the typing potentially being too slow / driving people crazy, so that's helpful to know. (I thought about allowing the reader to skip the typing effect by clicking or something, but I feel like that would kind of damage the effect I'm trying to convey).

hHw did you do this slowly-typing, BTW?

I used the typed.js module for SugarCube 2, with a bit of tweaking.

I couldn't reach the end, however. The last place I reached is a black screen with "Just clutched my camera and kept on walking.", and there are no links to go.

Actually, that is the end. I'm still wanting to tweak that part so that the ending is a bit more interesting (and obvious).

stray

I thought it was very beautiful and polished-looking. The art was really lovely, and the flashing images created a lot of tension. The slow typing for me was mildly irritating, but it did add atmosphere and immersion.

I didn't know where the story was going and was puzzled by the ending; it didn't feel to me as though anything had been resolved. There were lots of interesting moments, which I expected to be drawn together into a coherent meaning by the end, but that never happened. Or (more likely) I just wasn't paying close enough attention to understand.

It also wasn't obvious to me what my choices meant for the game's progression, which detracted from any sense of agency. I got the feeling that I really couldn't change anything significant about the story, all I could do was modify the details I saw in essentially arbitrary ways (but I didn't replay to test this idea). None of which is necessarily a bad thing; a sense of inevitability is part of the fun with horror.

I think (for me personally) it could be extremely compelling if the story were a bit more explicit and I felt I might be able to change the outcome. But it may be I'm just not the audience you're looking for.

JordanMagnuson

@stray, thanks so much for the thoughtful feedback! A lot of really good points.

I didn't know where the story was going and was puzzled by the ending; it didn't feel to me as though anything had been resolved. There were lots of interesting moments, which I expected to be drawn together into a coherent meaning by the end, but that never happened. Or (more likely) I just wasn't paying close enough attention to understand.

No, I think the ending (rather than your reading) is to fault for this. I have an idea in my head of what the ending means, but I think it's mostly in my head

I think (for me personally) it could be extremely compelling if the story were a bit more explicit and I felt I might be able to change the outcome. But it may be I'm just not the audience you're looking for.

No, once again, I think you've made a good point. I have been working on an alternative ending that will hopefully flesh out the meaning a bit more, and also give a sliver of a chance for some agency

JordanMagnuson

Okay, so the ending was the main area that I still wanted to work on after the initial beta. I've tried to flesh out the meaning somewhat as well as providing a little bit more agency with a couple of different possible routes.

I know it's asking a lot, but if any of you who tried the first beta wouldn't mind checking out this new ending (should only take a few minutes) I would be very grateful.

The new version is here:
http://jordanmagnuson.s3.amazonaws.com/mslojka/ms_lojka_beta02.html

Just the ending sequence:
http://jordanmagnuson.s3.amazonaws.com/mslojka/ms_lojka_beta02_ending.html

I'm planning to enter this into Spring Thing on Friday, so any feedback within the next day or so would be highly appreciated.

Thanks!

JordanMagnuson

Oops... didn't realize there were some technical limitations having to do with launching the game locally vs. playing it in the wild.

Because of some of the things I am doing, the new version of the game needs to be played in a window that is opened by a script.

For now please just use this ugly launch page, rather than the links above:
http://jordanmagnuson.s3.amazonaws.com/mslojka/ms_lojka_beta02_launcher.html

JordanMagnuson

I've done quite a bit more work on the game, especially the ending sequence(s). I've also added sound. The latest version is available at http://jordanmagnuson.s3.amazonaws.com/mslojka/index.html

davduf

Dear Jordan

I am VERY impressed by your work!
Congratulations!

Is there any chance that you share some tips (background, slow-typing, sounds): it is so magical !

All my best,
David

JordanMagnuson

Hi David, thanks for the kind words, and very sorry for the lack of response: I was out of town and travelling, etc. for the last three months, and a bit disconnected. You are welcome to take a look at my Ms. Lojka source code here: https://github.com/JordanMagnuson/Ms-Lojka

Hopefully that will be somewhat helpful, though I have to admit that there was a lot of hacking involved to get the typing effect working. All the best!

davduf

Thank you !

I use Twine 2, so I'll check how to be inspired by your great work :-)

All my best,
David