I enjoy the writing, but I'm wondering if you could comment a bit on the navigational system. In particular, you credit EK Turner with the "responsive story format" and I'm wondering if story generation is strictly random, if what appear as single links are actually several links, or if there is something else I'm missing? Otherwise, write on!
"a hand emerges from the circle..." is actually connected to three different possible routes, each one summoning a different demon. So yup, while it appears to be a single link, it's actually a randomly generating link with three possible outcomes. Hopefully that didn't sound stilted, aha. I might end up adding more possible demons, but for now I'm content with three~
When the crow-demon comes out, you describe a blinding light twice; once when the hand comes out and again immediately afterwards. This seemed disjointed to me. Also, the second time the light comes out the narrator closes his eyes but not the first. There's no description of opening the eyes again.
The purple mist is said to be luminescent, but not when its first described. Its described as pouring from the portal, but what exactly does the portal look like? The portal seems undefined.
I think it was in the Queen storylet that she closes the portal behind her. This is not described in terms of physical motions or visual phenomena so it seems odd--the prosaic quality of closing a physical doorway with hinges is not what I think you intended here, but its the first thing that springs to mind when I read that sentence.
When the Crow pulls the narrator "up, up, up"--is it to a standing position? Into flight? If into flight, how does he get out of the room?
Overall, I liked the stories, especially the visual images of the demons--although I think it's weird that a Queen goat has horns . I liked the description of the Crow's beak tapping the floor when it bowed, cinders falling from the Queen's wool, etc. I also really liked the sounds that the Crow and the galaxy made (although maybe the word "chime" was a little overused).
Glad you liked him! He was my second favorite to write, aha. The two flashes of light are on purpose; it happens in all of the possible summons. I figured the juxtaposition from slamming your eyes shut to staring awe relaid the opening and closing of the eyes, but if it's muddled I could definitely fix it!
^ General idea of the portal; granted made out of [most likely] lipstick or chalk, not fire. It's supposed to be up to the imagination, largely.
Huh! I actually kind of like that interpretation, aha. Again, up to the imagination - personally I imagined the Queen stomping a hoof and slamming the portal shut, but the physical doorway works too.
The "up, up, up" is again more metaphorical than literal. It's more that he's pulling the narrator into their new life, free from the burden of loneliness. If you want to take it literally, he's probably pulling the narrator up from kneeling/sitting on the floor.
The Queen is actually based on a Jacob's Sheep! Thanks for catching the typo; I never noticed it! Female sheep [or ewes] actually have small horns, but for the purposes of a demonic hell-beast, I gave her larger horns than normal. c: Ah yes, the chiming! I knew I was going to overuse it, ugh. @ <@;; I fixed it up a bit in the new version!
Comments
I enjoy the writing, but I'm wondering if you could comment a bit on the navigational system. In particular, you credit EK Turner with the "responsive story format" and I'm wondering if story generation is strictly random, if what appear as single links are actually several links, or if there is something else I'm missing? Otherwise, write on!
Cheers,
MM
In the current build, it's running on the Responsive format - mainly because I felt it fits the tone best, and is easy to navigate.
As for the story generation, a demon is randomly generated when you click on this passage's link:
[quote]With a great burst of light, a hand emerges from the circle...
"a hand emerges from the circle..." is actually connected to three different possible routes, each one summoning a different demon. So yup, while it appears to be a single link, it's actually a randomly generating link with three possible outcomes. Hopefully that didn't sound stilted, aha. I might end up adding more possible demons, but for now I'm content with three~
Liked the writing. Crow was my favorite.
When the crow-demon comes out, you describe a blinding light twice; once when the hand comes out and again immediately afterwards. This seemed disjointed to me. Also, the second time the light comes out the narrator closes his eyes but not the first. There's no description of opening the eyes again.
The purple mist is said to be luminescent, but not when its first described. Its described as pouring from the portal, but what exactly does the portal look like? The portal seems undefined.
I think it was in the Queen storylet that she closes the portal behind her. This is not described in terms of physical motions or visual phenomena so it seems odd--the prosaic quality of closing a physical doorway with hinges is not what I think you intended here, but its the first thing that springs to mind when I read that sentence.
When the Crow pulls the narrator "up, up, up"--is it to a standing position? Into flight? If into flight, how does he get out of the room?
Overall, I liked the stories, especially the visual images of the demons--although I think it's weird that a Queen goat has horns
Good stuff!
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While I'm thinking about it, care to add a node or two to the collaborative work I posted about earlier?
http://encounters-in-hypertext.tiddlyspace.com/
login: encounters-in-hypertext
pass: encounters
Glad you liked him! He was my second favorite to write, aha. The two flashes of light are on purpose; it happens in all of the possible summons. I figured the juxtaposition from slamming your eyes shut to staring awe relaid the opening and closing of the eyes, but if it's muddled I could definitely fix it!
^ General idea of the portal; granted made out of [most likely] lipstick or chalk, not fire. It's supposed to be up to the imagination, largely.
Huh! I actually kind of like that interpretation, aha. Again, up to the imagination - personally I imagined the Queen stomping a hoof and slamming the portal shut, but the physical doorway works too.
The "up, up, up" is again more metaphorical than literal. It's more that he's pulling the narrator into their new life, free from the burden of loneliness. If you want to take it literally, he's probably pulling the narrator up from kneeling/sitting on the floor.
The Queen is actually based on a Jacob's Sheep! Thanks for catching the typo; I never noticed it! Female sheep [or ewes] actually have small horns, but for the purposes of a demonic hell-beast, I gave her larger horns than normal. c: Ah yes, the chiming! I knew I was going to overuse it, ugh. @ <@;; I fixed it up a bit in the new version!
Thanks for taking the time to play and review it!
@mummblemouth
I'll definitely look into it if I get the time!
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VERSION TWO
A few small changes to Orion and the Queen's lines.